[Many of you on the community will have gone to school, and perhaps some of you have had a certain teacher with a certain look- that prim, stern, ‘everything is going my way so if you dare move from where you are supposed to sit I will cut you’ look. The one which suggests they are in a very good mood, and will continue to be so as long as you continue to behave exactly as ordered in the very detailed rules. Others have appropriated this look; the sort of ladies, for instance, who wear pearls and have little dogs and pour tea with the air of someone performing brain surgery, apparently one broken biscuit away from bludgeoning someone to death with their china teapot. These ladies are frightening in ways which no one who enters baking contests should be.

This is exactly the sort of woman who is currently smiling at you, community, righting whatever’s recording with neatly-manicured hands which are then steepled in front of her lips, her elbows on her desk. She’s got the pearls. She’s got the dark hair set in rigid curls. She’s got the pale pink jumper (with a black ribbon pinned to the lapel in such a way that declares it to be important). She’s even got a teacup in front of her. It’s patterned with flowers. If you know anything about flowers, however, you might find yourself looking twice at it, because despite the fact that the pattern is pretty in a fussy, middle-aged way, the flowers featured are hemlock- with occasional interruptions of digitalis and deadly nightshade.]

How very interesting. [She clears her throat.]

Vell. Introductions. My name is- in short- Lady Margolotta Amaya Katerina Assumpta Crassina von Ubervald, and I’m sure it’s a pleasure to meet you all. [She appears to have too many teeth for one mouth, and drums pastel fingernails against bone china before taking a sip of what is probably tea, although she dabs at her lower lip briefly with a hanky and…well, that smudge of red is lipstick- isn’t it?] …Mm. However many of you there are. Qvite a few, from vhat I can see, all from such different vorlds and backgrounds. Fascinating. I can see I vill not be bored. Vhat vunderful technological advances ve’re making lately…though this vun vas a complete accident. The vizards who gave me this present assured me it vas a pleasant trinket, but vhen I asked about possible practical applications, they assured me it had none. Apparently all it showed them vas darkness, no matter vhat they did to it.

Fortunately, things tend to vork for me.

[And the smile progresses from having too many teeth, to being outright predatory.]

Vell. My part in the introductions is over, I think. Your turn.