dramadramaduck | attempt number twenty-one ♻ (voice)

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claire bennet

attempt number twenty-one ♻ (voice)

Travel tip: if any of you have plans to head the way of the Fire Nation, I suggest brushing up on your … I don't even know. What this is, Japanese? Chinese? The books are all in Chinese. I don't know if this elaborate blob of ink is supposed to mean elephant, oak tree, or "simmer for fifteen minutes or until golden-brown."

[ There's a sigh, followed by a thumping noise as she tosses the book aside. ] I guess I should be focusing on catching up on my own books, anyway. I've got like a million chapters of Spanish to catch up on, and Nietzche doesn't read itself.

Oh, and also? Don't let seasons fool you. It's always warm here. I swear, it's like fifty degrees warmer here than it was in Washington. Which, don't get me wrong, is a good thing. Awesome, even. [ Of course, that might have something to do with the volcano that the castle is on. Which is ... a tiny fact she hasn't picked up on. ]

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What happened?

[ DEEP BREATH. ready to dismiss. ] I don't really --

[ ... hnnnnn but this is Zuko. if anyone would understand ... ]

He -- [ sigh. ] Hold on, this is stupid.

[ She's just going to go ... knock on his door instead of playing the filter game. Because this is an in-person conversation, not one that you have over the not-internet. ]

[Somehow it still surprised him that she showed up at his door, though he knew it shouldn't. She'd even warned him.

Zuko opened it and stepped aside to let her in.] Your turn for sharing?

[ She heads in with a slight, wry smile at that, rolling her eyes some. ]

Apparently. [ She's going to go invade his life and find a place to sit with her shoulders hunched a little bit, though that's the only indicator of her discomfort. 8( Sharing her life is hard, okay. ] If I had known this would be how I was spending my weekend, I would've brought a tape recorder. Got a jump start on my memoir. [ She's ... mostly joking. She's not that vain, okay. ]

You could write mine on your own at this point, [he says dryly as he closes the door and they find a place to sit.] Just don't make it too sordid.

I promise to try and paint you in only the noblest light. [ Which shouldn't be too hard because she ... still has a hard time seeing him in any other. She sighs and her humored look drops some. ]

But ... that's just me deflecting again. You sure you want me to go all woe is me and depress you? We could always bake cookies instead. Last chance.

Do I look like I want to bake? I don't want to bake. Get as woeful as you want, I can take it.

[He folds his arms. He's confident that he's ready for whatever you have to throw at him.]

[ deep breath. ] Okay. I guess the easiest place to start is Homecoming. I didn't even know Peter back then, it's how I met him too. [ she folds her arms in a kind of unintentionally defensive habit. ]

Jackie Wilcox was a friend of mine and we used to co-captain the cheerleading squad together. We were going to be cheering at the homecoming game, but ... we never even made it onto the field. Sylar came in while we were still getting ready. I didn't know it then, but he was looking for me. I guess he thought she was me, because he -- [ she grimaces. It's been years, but it's still rough to talk about, mostly because of how guilty she feels. ]

He was trying to kill me, but instead he cut her head open right in front of me. He was killing her and she just told me to run. [ She shakes her head, looking down at her hands. ] So, I ran. Right into Peter, and he fought Sylar, but Sylar got away.

[ It's the cliffnotes, of course. There's the part about why Sylar wanted to kill her. The part about why she and Peter became such fast friends. It was weird to think that it was easier for her to tell him about nearly dying than to tell him that she can't die. ]

Edited 2011-01-30 09:02 (UTC)

[Unfortunately for Claire, Zuko cares about that kind of omission and picks up on it. The first part, anyway.]

Wait, he... why did he even want to kill you? That's-- a lot of effort. And really violent.

It can't have just started there if he was cutting someone's head open. I mean, to do something like that, it's... [He trails off. It's one of the more horrific things he can think of, that's for sure.]

[ She fixes him with a saddened look, then just shakes her head. ]

Because he's a killer. And that's what killers do. Blame it on the bad childhood, whatever, but I just happened to fit his type. He hunted me down like an animal.

Even after Peter saved me at Homecoming. After we thought Sylar was dead in Kirby Plaza. He came and found me months later after we'd moved. He attacked me in my house.

People... people do that? Track them down and kill them because they're their type? That doesn't make any sense! I don't disbelieve you, I just can't understand this.

[Since his world has had war for a hundred years, the people with those violent inclinations had a socially accepted outlet, and never had to find another way to vent it. Of course, Zuko doesn't know this. ~~I've just done too much research on serial killers.~~]

There are some pretty damaged people in my world. Something bad happens to them, and they try to find a way to start controlling their life again. I guess the easiest way to do it is to control someone else's.

Sylar's what we call a serial killer. He kills a certain type of person in a certain way, and he doesn't stop until someone stops him. Except with all of Sylar's abilities, just putting him in jail isn't enough -- it would barely slow him down.

Okay... Then-- [He's trying to process this.] Why does he keep saying he's changed? That all sounds so concrete. Killing people like that, for no reason... that has to leave a mark.

Because he's sorry for how it's turned out for him. He's not sorry for what he did, just sorry that no one wants to be around him. He drove himself so far away from humanity that he can't connect to people anymore. He thinks I can help him change that.

And you don't think you should? [he asks, as a real question. He doesn't necessarily think she should himself, but Zuko can't help but empathize with Sylar a little here.]

I don't -- I mean, I know that I should. I know that's what a good person would do. I'm one of the good guys, I'm supposed to be the one who's the bigger person. No matter what he's done to me.

But, I don't think I can. I mean, even if I wanted to. Even if I could overlook all of it and think he's really deserving of it. I don't know if he's capable of changing at all, or if I'm capable of helping him. [ She puffs out her cheeks some, then reaches up to rub stressed lines out of her forehead, sighing out the breath slowly. ]

It's more than just him attacking me, though. After he hurt me, he tried to pretend he was sorry once before. Then he turned around and killed his girlfriend. After everything he'd said about changing and understanding how he'd hurt me and wanting to be a good person ... it was like a switch flipped. They came after my dad and me, and then Sylar killed her.

This isn't the first time he's cried that he can change. It wasn't convincing the first time, and it's even less convincing now.

Edited 2011-02-01 19:32 (UTC)

But it really upsets you, [he says seriously.] I mean-- it should, I'd be upset, too. Not that you asked for my advice, but if you can't believe him this time, maybe it'd be better if you just had less to do with him.

If he's telling the truth, he doesn't need you to help him. He'll change on his own.

Edited 2011-02-02 23:52 (UTC)

But, what if he does need my help? What if without someone believing in him like your uncle did, he can't change? If he kills again and I could have done something to change it --

Zuko, how am I supposed to deal with something like that? I may as well have killed them myself.

If you try to help him out of guilt, Claire, it's not going to actually help him, [Zuko answers, a little sharply.] My uncle did believe in me, but he had the patience and time to follow me around for years and wait for me to change. He didn't push me on it, and he cared about me no matter what I did.

If you can't be that person for him, then let someone else be. But if you can just stop arguing with him all the time, that might help on its own. I know I can't with Azula, so... [He shakes his head, and moves on to address the last part.]

I know it would feel like you'd killed them, but it's his responsibility in the end. No one else can take that from him, including you.

That's not going to stop him from blaming it on me. Or from arguing with me. If he didn't start it -- [ She cuts herself off because she knows she sounds like a two-year-old and just sighs, rubbing her eyes because this whole stupid thing is hurting her head. ]

I'm never going to care about him or what happens to him. I just want him to stop doing to people what he's done to my family. I thought we could kill him and make that happen but I guess I just let myself believe it because I was so tired of this. It's like there's just no winning.

I know how that feels, trust me. Just... don't bother, then. As much as you can.

Whatever he does is on him.

Maybe if I just say it over and over again, I'll start believing it. But it's hard to absolve myself completely.

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