[video] // the crime is that all I touch falls in love

[croibhristeoir]

[This is a little unlike most recent occurrences on the community. This one...is a little more obviously a dream, or something very like it. A memory, perhaps? Whatever one would call it, the fact remains that it isn't quite reality.]

[Except...right around one minute in, it starts to flicker with static. And at a minute seventeen seconds, it cuts out completely, for just a moment.]

[The next thing seen is a flash of silver, followed by Diarmuid staring utterly dumbfounded at the blade driven into his stomach by Fionn mac Cumhaill himself. but...no, this was always what he expected. What he deserved. Why should he be surprised? Betrayal should have been repaid with betrayal, should it not? Even so, it still hurt. More than the sword that stabbed through him so easily, it hurt that Fionn had lied about forgiving him. Would he not have faced Diarmuid head-on in a fight?]

[...Of course not, because Fionn knew damn well Diarmuid would never, could never raise hand or blade to the lord whose wife he'd stolen.]

[Diarmuid opened his mouth to speak, but only coughed up blood. What could he even have said? 'I'm sorry'? Heartfelt, but worthless. No one could forgive Diarmuid now--not even himself. Instead of struggling with words that would mean nothing...the knight just gave a gentle smile from a broken heart before his legs gave out and he fell.]

[There was more static, the image cracking and breaking before one last thing was shown--Fionn, in a swordfight against a red-haired knight screaming vicious curses in archaic Irish Gaelic with tears in hate-filled eyes.]

[And once it was all over? The dreamlike quality vanished, slipping back into reality with Diarmuid doubled over in obvious pain and looking horrified.]

[Could these few days get any worse? Probably. But at this point he honestly couldn't imagine how.]

Comments

[heavenlyhome]

...I'm sorry. I'm so very sorry that this has happened.

[croibhristeoir]

I'm...f-fine.

[Even though he'd broken out in a cold sweat and was gasping for breath...he wasn't injured. Despite the fact that he was sure, absolutely sure he'd felt that sword cutting through him.]

[heavenlyhome]

No, I'm sorry. I don't believe you are. This virus- it is one of the worst. Some are made real and some taunt us with horrible things. No one can be all right afterwards.

[croibhristeoir]

...then I will rephrase that. I am not injured.

[heavenlyhome]

I am glad to hear that you do not require medical attention. Would you... would you care to discuss what was seen?

[croibhristeoir]

I do not think I am one to conceal very much about myself, so I may as well.

[Lancer winced faintly as he moved into a chair, turning a small object over and over in his left hand.]

Truthfully, that...is only somewhat different than how I actually died.

[heavenlyhome]

[The mind remembers wounds as well as the body; his wince gives tell that he is not as recovered as he wished others to think. Kasumi settles in, fingers fidgeting with the ties of her apron. What can one say to make it all all right? Sometimes, all one could do was listen.]

...yes?

[croibhristeoir]

...His fiancee fell in love with me on sight. I'm afraid that was something of a common thing for women around me, unfortunately. She put me under a magical contract--either I run away with her or be fated to a terrible destruction and downfall. So...what else could I do? I stole my lord's intended wife and ran away, though it broke my heart to turn my back on him...on all of the Fianna.

We lived like that for...a year and six months, I think, before my father intervened on our behalf and negotiated with Fionn to put an end to it. He welcomed us back and the two of us were able to live happily.

That much of what you saw is accurate. And it is true that hatred and resentment still had a place in my lord's heart, but he did not with his own hands end my life. He led me to death by a giant boar in what I suppose one could call an orchestrated hunting accident.

The other knight you saw...Fionn's grandson, Oscar. He was a dear friend; as close to me as any brother and remained so even as I eloped with Grainne. I know with no certainty what became of him after my death, but I...I hope he did not truly fight with Fionn like that. Of all the pain I have caused, that may well be what would tear at my heart the most.

[heavenlyhome]

[There are only so many ways to say, "I am sorry you have had to go through this" before it is too repetitive to count.]

Another world, perhaps, like the other posts. At least... you had someone to be happy with, for a time. I hope. There was joy there, for all your trials.

[croibhristeoir]

...I did fall in love with her, eventually. We ended up with five children, and if absolutely nothing else I still had friends as well.

[heavenlyhome]

Those things take time... Your children carried your honor forward. They most certainly were proud to bear your name. You were remembered for your accomplishments. That is why you are as you are now, isn't it?

[croibhristeoir]

Well...yes, I would not be a Servant if I was not remembered. But I question the validity of that...of calling me a 'hero' when nothing I did was truly heroic. What right does someone like me have to stand with Arturia Pendragon, with Cu Chulainn or Alexander the Great?

I am just a knight, and a rather substandard one at that. Hardly any sort of hero.

[heavenlyhome]

A hero is not simply made through actions. I think it is part of who some are, in part by the goals they set for themselves. You are a very honorable man. You do your best for those around you. You have saved Issei-kun many times. You helped us very much during the witch battles.

You do what you can, where you can. That is the mark of a hero, don't you think?

[croibhristeoir]

I...I truly don't know anymore.

[He seemed even more distraught at that--you just had to mention witches.]

[heavenlyhome]

[He is very disheartened. She briefly considers enacting what had helped her recently, but it seemed too frivolous for the depth of his feelings.]

I'm sorry. This isn't helping, is it.

[croibhristeoir]

...not this time, I'm afraid.

[heavenlyhome]

I wish I could offer more than sympathies.

[Now, stowed safely in this room with nowhere else to go, she realizes the futility of that wish. It reminds her of another time, where her good fairy had taken the form of a white cat-beast and everything had turned out for the worst. Where, between the fighting and the uncertainty, someone had offered a gesture of dependable hope.] ...did I ever thank you?

[croibhristeoir]

I'm not sure I understand.

[He turned the small black Grief Seed over and over his his hand, seeming distant.]

Thank me for what?

[heavenlyhome]

Your help, during the virus. Without you, I am sure we would not have done as well as we did. I was young and... [horror at the destruction until she steps closer, into kefka's personal space, and his feelings ease into hers, triumph and good humor] unprepared. It meant very much to have you on our side.

[croibhristeoir]

Merely helping at all was thinks enough for me. The way I was at that point...I just wanted some form of companionship.

[heavenlyhome]

You have lived a long life several times over, haven't you. I am glad to have called you a friend, than and now.

[croibhristeoir]

I suppose that much is true, one way or another.

But I was fortunate to have met you as well.

[heavenlyhome]

Your words are very kind.

I cannot help but think it is all worth it, whatever struggles we face. They make us stronger, give us a deeper understanding. But perhaps that is a simple thought. A comfort rather than truth.

[croibhristeoir]

I...I don't know. I think that's true, to an extent. Yet I can not help but think...the suffering I've been dealt is some form of punishment for my past mistakes.

[heavenlyhome]

And bearing them... is repentance?

[croibhristeoir]

I do not think I can answer that with certainty. But truthfully, I also doubt that such a thing like repentance exists for me anymore. Not after all that I've done.

[heavenlyhome]

The longer you live, the more regrets you would have. You cannot change the past. It will always stay with you, but... I think, if there is anything that has given you peace of mind, now might be the time to seek it.

You are still here, Diarmuid-san. I apologize if this sounds harsh, but there are still things that will need to be done.

It may help to find what you can do, and not what you couldn't.

[croibhristeoir]

...That's just it. There's nothing I can do anymore. All that I try simply falls short or fails completely and utterly.

[heavenlyhome]

From what I know of you, I do not believe that is true.

[winterkicker]

Uh...that looked like it hurt.

[croibhristeoir]

...yes. Yes it did. Quite a lot, in fact.

[winterkicker]

Yeah... I guess getting stabbed hurts.

[croibhristeoir]

My advice to you is to avoid it if you can.

[winterkicker]

I never planned on having that happen, haha... 'least you're alive, right? These last few days have been brutal.

[croibhristeoir]

..Yes. At least I'm alive.

[Ssssort of.]

( accidental video. )

[ex_apocryphas39]

[ it starts like that. a crackle of muted sound and snow. it starts like that, struggling to adjust to pale skin and pale hair. to balance out contrast. sharp or stark. and there is a deep stillness that rests at the corners of his lips, when it comes to focus. there is no usual expression. there is nothing, at all.

(there is nothing, beside the ticking of the wall clock. the slow swing of the minute hand. lifetimes bleeding into lifetimes. and there is an understanding there. a deep well of knowledge that fills, a little more. a realization, dim. as the video plays in double-time. as his folded hands do not move. do not budge. as still as stone.)

and he observes. he observes, without observing. he takes in, without taking in. absorbs, without absorbing. (and there is a strung connection, there - though it is obscured. it is chased off in oppressive quiet. it flees before one can pin it. and his gaze drops, slightly. his eyelashes lower. a sweeping thought.)

and it is something soft that wakes in the corners of his expression. it is something aged and ageless. it is a silence that comes before death. a half-breath. it is the staggered stopping of sensation. it is nameless and faceless; if comes and goes without sharp recognition. it fades, though his eyes still level. strange.

there is no comment that comes. there are no words that rise to give to him. but, there is a pale hand that quietly comes to settle on the lid of the device that records him. that closes it, with deep thought. a deep note. entombed.

it ends. ]

[video]

[croibhristeoir]

[That look, caught only for a moment or two, was one Lancer could say he...recognized, to an extent. It was one he couldn't put into words, but one he knew to some degree too small to even measure. Age and thought well beyond what one's appearance suggested, the kind that sank deep into one's heart and soul like rust and tarnish took to metal--that was something Diarmuid saw every time he passed his own reflection, shown only by the faintest shadows present in golden eyes.]

[With an almost ethereal expression so difficult to pin down in words, Lancer couldn't quite process just what it was he'd seen in Kaworu in that one fleeting moment. Was it...sympathy, perhaps? Such a simple word seemed to do it no justice and fall flat on something multifaceted and abstract, but it was the only one that came to mind.]

[Once the initial agony of a phantom blade cutting through him and the illusion of the smell of his own blood had faded to the back of Diarmuid's mind, the knight hesitantly went about contacting Kaworu.]

...Was there something you wished to say?

[His voice wasn't sarcastic or even self-deprecating. There was no undertone of 'what, are you going to laugh at how pathetic I am?', merely an honest question on its surface and every layer below. Diarmuid may have been a complicated individual, but never had he been one for concealment or gods forbid, outright lies.]

( text. )

[ex_apocryphas39]

[ caught. and it doesn't surprise. it doesn't surprise in the ping of a notification. though he is so careful. though has always been so careful. (the community unpredictably predictable. and yet--)]

There are no particular words, no.

[ there is something soft in that. there is something softer in that. unable to be pinned. a particular line of thought that skitters beneath fingers. that strays from the identifiable and the unidentifiable. that lurks and does not in the round of letters. in the round of characters. the sharp strokes of ideograms. digitalized.

there is something neutral in that. there is something not. there is a sympathy or empathy, though it blurs in the coming moments and minutes between text. (he knows the difficulty of human lives. once human lives. false human lives. he knows the pain of continuation. the gruesome injury and fatigue of war. the inability to survive, at all. wasting into nothingness.)

he knew of it. (knows of it. feels it in the weight of shinji's shoulders. in the small sounds that asuka makes, when she thinks he is asleep. in the quiet corners of the apartment. in the deep intonations of his music. forming.)

he would not have laughed. he would never have thought to. suffering -- ]

It seems to have been difficult.

( text. )

[croibhristeoir]

[There was a short silence at that, a moment or two of hesitation. He could tell that was no mere observation, and it wasn't just idle conversation. It was nigh impossible to discern intention or emotion through text, but that much was somehow clear as the words he'd sent.]

[Lancer thought for a few seconds on how to respond, carefully reading over the words that appeared on the page before him before finally moving to respond.]

It was, I can not deny that. But for all the difficulty there was, I can say my life was not comprised only of suffering.

[timey_wimey]

[ ... that was horrible. he's not sure there's anything he could say to try and alleviate that.

but he's the Doctor. he'll still try. first things first-- ]

Are you hurt?

[croibhristeoir]

F...fine. I'm not injured, it just...never mind. I'm alright.

[timey_wimey]

[ code for 'not alright at all'. Diarmuid, please. you can't trick an old hand at this. ]

I really doubt that, you know.

[croibhristeoir]

...I'm not injured. Past that, I really can not say for certain.

[timey_wimey]

I'm not surprised. Of all the things to be forced to experience...

[croibhristeoir]

Death is nothing new or foreign to me. But that was...

[Not how it happened. Not how it ever would have happened.]

...different.

[timey_wimey]

I got that impression, yeah.

[croibhristeoir]

...this virus is simply too cruel. I do not think even I can take much more of this.

[timey_wimey]

You and me both. Seems there's not much we can do really except hold tight and wait for it to blow over, and I have to admit I'm not very good at that at the best of times, but in this case I'm not even being given an option. It's been a while since we got hit with one this bad.