Reporting For Duty

[dukesammy.livejournal.com]

Hi the name's Vimes, my wife Sybil said I needed a hobby to relax myself.  As if coppering didn't already supply work, hobby and life all in one.

I live in Ankh-Morpork and work for the patrician, Vetinari, and command the Watch, making sure that people don't commit crimes.  Yeah right, whatever, the only way not to commti a crime in THIS city is to sit very quietly in your cellar, and then we'd get you for loitering.  Keeping down crime in Ankh Morpork is like keeping down water (and I use that term loosely) in the River Ankh in flooding season but we try.

Well I suppose I might as well jump in at the deep end and say hello to some of you, but I'm sure we'll get on like a house on fire.  Flames, screaming, people runnign for safety.  Sorry to anyone who thinks I am being undiplomatic but that's the way I am and don't let the badge saying "Duke" fool you, I'm really I nice person.  *Snort*  Hah it must be the way I say it.

Comments

[purple-havenite.livejournal.com]

....

O_O

You're still confusing me! How about you start from the beginning? XD

[dukesammy.livejournal.com]

Well if you want to start the BEGINNING then this may take a while. I used to be Captain Vimes of the Night Watch AKA a joke. Then Carrot joined, things changed. I'm now a Sir, a His Grace, the Commander of the City Watch (we kicked Mayonnaise Quirk out of the day watch and took over and now have over one hundred members) and Vetinari's diplomatic envoy. Oh and a father. I have one son called Sam. I read to him every night.

[purple-havenite.livejournal.com]

Night Watch huh? Hmm, that sucks. Sometimes we have to go out on Night patrol is the Mandragora are giving us trouble and I hate it, especially when I go out with Gwen... she doesn't really like me... >.<

Plus, I miss breakfast!

[dukesammy.livejournal.com]

I like the night, it's peaceful. I used to like finding a dark doorway in the rain to have a smoke, or finding my way around by the soles of my feet.

[purple-havenite.livejournal.com]

...

How can you find your way round by the soles of your feet?

[dukesammy.livejournal.com]

Well different parts of the city have different cobbles or paving stones, and I used to wear cardboard soled boots, but these days Sybil insists i wear "proper" boots. *Sigh* I'm a very lucky man.

[purple-havenite.livejournal.com]

Fair enough. I don't wear any shoes so I can't argue! :D

[kurt-howell.livejournal.com]

Hello, my name is Kurt Howell. Very pleased to meet you.

You seem to have a lot of energy...

[dukesammy.livejournal.com]

I'm powered by Blts and coffee. Oh and donuts when I can get them.

[shinra-sucks.livejournal.com]

Great, just what we need around here - another whiny law-boy.

[dukesammy.livejournal.com]

At least I don't look like something that, as far as i can tell, the Student Wizard next to me calls an Emu.

[shinra-sucks.livejournal.com]

What the hell is an Emu?

[dukesammy.livejournal.com]

Oh the student has moved hsi fringe and apparently he said EmO. I'm not quite sure what one these is and the student has now left to eat kipper and banana pizza. So who're you?

[shinra-sucks.livejournal.com]

I'm Kadaj. I don't know what the hell an EmO is but we don't have them on Gaia.

[dukesammy.livejournal.com]

Well as far as I knew five minutes ago we didn't have them on the Disc either but we live and learn. Unpleasant to meet you Kadaj but my wife told me that I had to try and make friends so I will. What's your story?

[lux-dormiens.livejournal.com]

...Only way to not commit a crime is to sit in your basement...?

[dukesammy.livejournal.com]

You'd have to live here to understand. A place called The Shades here you just have to step into and you have a choice of at least fifteen ways of beign stealthly killed and robbed with a special offfer on a shallow grave or being dumped onto the river.

[lux-dormiens.livejournal.com]

Oh, I understand alright. Sounds exactly like where I'm from. And everyone is so tightly packed together that it's hard to breathe in the summer.

Bet you don't have the Hammerites, though.

[dukesammy.livejournal.com]

No, what religion is that? I bet you don;t have Omanites though. When one of them come's down the street whole clubs will lie on the floor with all the lights out and pretend they aren't there.

[lux-dormiens.livejournal.com]

Hammerites are like the Omanites, then. Fanatics who will knock your face into the back of your skull if you look at them funny.

[dukesammy.livejournal.com]

Hah, no the Omanites used to be like that apparently. But these days they just preach at you until your ears bleed. Instead of death by the flame they give you death by holy pamphlets.

[bigteddybears.livejournal.com]

Someone's house is on fire? :o

[dukesammy.livejournal.com]

And you are?

[bigteddybears.livejournal.com]

Nelsha Stylus. Um... what's this about house fires? Nelsha is confused.

[dukesammy.livejournal.com]

Never mind, it was an attempt at humour but obviously it went over your head. So why are you here?