33. solicited anonymity

[ifbymyhands]

[anon, published simultaneously on the network and in the school papers]

Hello, members of this glorious institution! You're here with me, Love Master Tori, here again to brighten up your world by fixing the problems in your lives. So...

LET THE LOVE ADVICE and general advice BEGIN



Okay, so our first letter is...

Supposed 'Love Master',

How are you supposed to suddenly be more open to other people about a relationship you've been keeping secret for a while? Let's say it's difficult since a certain someone would yell enough to cause an avalanche despite the lack of snow around here if they knew.

Sincerely,

This is ridiculous.

Dear Ridiculous,

If this is Yuri trying to cover up the whole Battler thing, I guess you've already resolved that by now. If not... have courage! Even the most steadfast of overprotective siblings or parents or possessive friends who not-so-secretly want you all to themselves will get it someday. Let them know you're no different from before. I know it's all kinds of difficult, but it'll be worth it.

Sincerely,

Love Master Tori.

---

All Hail Love Master Tori,

So, let’s say there’s this fellow you fancy, someone who’s wickedly smart and intense and gorgeous. Let’s say you like them enough that you have, on several occasions, attempted to strike up a conversation.

Let’s say that every time you try, they use parkour to scale a building and leap across rooftops to the other side of campus.

Do you think there’s a chance you could still grab their attention, or should one merely resign oneself to drowning their sorrows in a bottle of scotch?

Sincerely,

Using Ninja Moves Is Unfair, Darling

Dear Stalking a Ninja,

You should seek help for that.

Sincerely,

Love Master Tori.

---

Ey,

There's that guy after me. He keeps calling me ridiculous pet names. Kicking doesn't work. How to make him stop?

Dear No-name,

Judging by the previous letter... become a ninja.

Sincerely,

Love Master Tori.

---

Dear Toori,

I wreally think somebuody should put up more maps. It's hard two find my way to clas.s.

Wheel Will you ask them? Thanks.

Dear At-least-you're-learning-to-spell,

Sorry, I'm not affiliated with the dean or the student union. I guess you could start up a petition, though. If that fails, give the geography club something to do aside from debate whether Sandy Island is real.

Sincerely,

Love Master Tori.

---

Dear Love Master Tori,

I think I like two boys...

Desperate for help,

Confused

Dear Confused,

Lucky.

Sincerely,

Love Master Tori.

---

Well, that's all the time we have for today. Post your replies and I'll get to them as soon as I can!

Comments

[Anon]

[scentofmakai]

Dear Love Master Tori,

I like a guy, but his father doesn't approve of me and I don't think he ever will. How to go about things?

Sincerely,
Not All That Bad

[Anon]

[ifbymyhands]

Dear Not Bad,

Try asking nicely and acting nice and friendly like you've probably been doing; sometimes they can change their minds. If dream-guy's dad still gets mad at your existence? Elope.

Sincerely,

Love Master Tori

[Anon]

[scentofmakai]

I've been doing that for a couple years now. Elopement sounds pretty good.

[Anon]

[unknownrival]

Love Master Tori,

How old is too old?

Infatuated

[Anon]

[ifbymyhands]

Dear Infatuated,

Depends on how old the two (or more) of you are. I'm going to assume you're at least seventeen if you go here, but if you're one of those ten-year-old genius kids we occasionally get, you should probably only date other ten-year-old genius kids. If we're talking within the realms of average post-secondary age, then it depends. Being a twenty-one-year-old who just happens to be dating an eighteen-year-old is pretty different from being one of those seniors who regularly gives groups of freshmen the campus tour that ends on their bed. And if you're our age and dating a seventy-year-old, you're probably a gold digger.

No offence if you are a gold digger.

Sincerely,

Love Master Tori

[Anon]

[unknownrival]

Dear Love Master Tori,

Think twenty-two and... you know, I don't know the precise age, but I'd say no more than thirty?

Sincerely,
Probably Should Ask About That Directly

[Anon]

[felldownwells]

Dear Love Master Tori,

What are good gift ideas for a new boyfriend? We haven't been dating very long so I'm not sure what to do about Christmas.

Sincerely,

Presently Lost

[Anon]

[ifbymyhands]

Dear Present Pun,

What does he like? If you've only known each other for a week you might not want to get him a five-hundred-dollar camera, but a case and some batteries might be good.

Sincerely,

Love Master Tori

[Anon]

[felldownwells]

So something simple but related to his interests? I think I could do that.

I hope.

Sincerely,

Presently Lost

[notjustathief]

...I'm really glad things worked out on their own before these got published.

[anon]

[ifbymyhands]

I'm glad to hear it, mystery person.

[ anon ]

[second_star]

Hey, Tori,

Got any ideas for making extra cash? There's something I'd like to buy for someone.

Still broke,

Bummed Out

[anon]

[ifbymyhands]

Dear Bum,

Try shovelling people's snow, doing their homework for them, and if you're really desperate, setting up a shameless fundraiser with a little sign that says "all proceeds go to not having to eat instant noodles three meals a day".

Sincerely,

Love Master Tori

technically not here

[denies]

[ .... Ah, being confused for Yuri once more. Well, that's better either way, helps her status as anon and all. :| ]

[p_a_r_a_d_o_x]

Well...bit too late. Ah.

[notjustathief]

But it worked out, since clearly you did not actually want me to stop.

[anon]

[oceanicbutterfly]

Dear Love Master Tori,

How can I convince people I have one girlfriend and not some kind of harem?

Sincerely,
Lucky But Not THAT Lucky

[anon]

[tenminutes]

That you think that's "THAT Lucky" says something.

[anon]

[ifbymyhands]

Dear Lucky,

Figure out where they're getting these ideas first. Maybe you have people who want to be your harem.

Sincerely,

Love Master Tori

[tenminutes]

Dear Really Really Misinformed Tori,

I've been dating Battler for a while now. O.P.E.N.L.Y. What are you talking about?

Sincerely, Yuri

P.S. I think that's definitely someone else's love problems you've got on your hands. Bonus: I think I know whose.

P.P.S. Vote Yuri/Ange for ASB President/VP!

[anon]

[ifbymyhands]

Hi, Yuri.

[scanningutterly]

You're still doing this?

[anon]

[ifbymyhands]

It's one of the paper's more popular features, you know.

[anon]

[morehaste]

dear tori,

when will the one i like realize that they literally cannot survive without me, and that it would only be fair to marry me as i do everything for them anyway? will i just have to wait until i finish college? or do i have to leave them notes to help them plan asking me?

sincerely,
a devoted assistant.

[anon]

[ifbymyhands]

Dear Devoted,

First of all, I'd step back and contemplate the differences between romance and babysitting, because it sounds like you're doing the latter. There's nothing wrong with feeling you'd be lost without someone, but intentionally trying to invoke that, whether or not it's true, is just kinda creepy.

Sincerely,

Love Master Tori