Return Of The Shake

[mistershake.livejournal.com]

Gawd! I leave for five minutes and look at what happens!

When I left, this place was nothing less than a gleaming hub of intellectual intercourse. Say it with me now. Intercourse. Let it roll off the tongue. Intercourse. But then some stupid virus hits the community, and the whole thing turns to crap! You're like wolves! Hell, you're less than wolves! Wolves don't let themselves get taken over by viruses. Ever see that movie Outbreak? With Dustin Hoffman? There were no wolves in that movie. Although there may have been a coyote or two. Or maybe that was Coyote Ugly. I dunno, I didn't watch it.

I guess I shouldn't be so surprised that this place is falling to pieces. You guys need a role model. Somebody to show you what's what. Someone who can put his foot down and speak his mind about viruses and wolves. And Dustin Hoffman. Someone who just happens to be a friggin' movie star.

That's right. I'm in a movie. A very successful movie, I might add. And even if you haven't seen it yet, you're probably planning to. And even if you're not planning to see it, it will be shown to you. Clockwork Orange style. Except without the lousy classical music. I can't rock out to Beethoven, baby. I need some hardcore death metal. That's what gets me off. Metal.

The music, not the alloy.

So anyway. That's what I've been doing. Filming a movie. And winning several awards. Some of them for my poetry.

I have accolades. Who says I don't?

Comments

[neverforgivej00.livejournal.com]

... Ok, even I know half the things you said don't make sense. O_o;

[mistershake.livejournal.com]

Gee! The little coyote didn't understand something! What a surprise! Maybe that explains why you spend so much time chasing after the damn road runner. Nothing penetrates that thick canine skull of yours. You're ignorant. That's why you continue to shop from ACME, despite their abysmal track record. You'd think you'd change your supplier after the first dozen times their products exploded in your friggin' face, you friggin' imbecile.

What doesn't make sense here is your attitude. Comin' in here like you're friggin' Estelle Getty. It's ridiculous.

You're not a golden girl.

[neverforgivej00.livejournal.com]

... What... what the hell do coyotes have to do with anything?!

[mistershake.livejournal.com]

You tell me! A coyote wouldn't be able to get a role in a sitcom! Imagine the chaos that would ensue after it sunk its fangs into Bea Arthur's left thigh! The studio audience would riot!

Wait, was Golden Girls filmed in front of a studio audience? Because that could change everything.

I need answers, dammit.

[neverforgivej00.livejournal.com]

I'm not a fucking coyote!

[mistershake.livejournal.com]

That's beside the point. We're trying to determine the likelihood of a riot during the filming of a cancelled sitcom that ran from 1985 to 1992.

Perhaps that was the very reason for its cancellation. Somebody brought their pet coyote to the studio, and things got out of hand. All that laughter sent it into a blood frenzy. It had to taste flesh. Golden Girl flesh.

This is a significant discovery. I'll write an award-winning book about it. Called "And Then There's Maude: The Untold Story".

Then I'll write a book about you and your difficulty accepting your identity as a coyote.

[neverforgivej00.livejournal.com]

Or maybe it just ran too long.

Shows get cancelled after being on the air for seven years in America, don't they?

I'm a human, you idiot.

[mistershake.livejournal.com]

Shows don't just GET cancelled. Somebody cancels them for a reason. And that reason is usually related to the unforeseen death of a cast member, often as a result of coyote interference. Coyotes can smell poor ratings a mile away. It's a fact of nature.

If you're a human, I'd like to see you prove it.

[neverforgivej00.livejournal.com]

Or maybe it just wasn't popular anymore?!

See that picture that comes up every time I post? That's me.

Can you prove you're a... whatever the hell you are?

[mistershake.livejournal.com]

That just goes to show what an idiot you are. Golden Girls was never popular to begin with. It was coyotes. Case closed.

Oh, that's you? I thought maybe you were just putting it there as if to say "Thank God I don't look like this idiot!"

Seems I was mistaken. It happens.

[neverforgivej00.livejournal.com]

I'm an idiot?! You're the one who can't understand anything!

[shotgunonmyback.livejournal.com]

A talking shake? That's new. Weird but new.

[mistershake.livejournal.com]

I could say the same about a talking coyote. Usually you guys just hold up signs with words written on 'em. Because that's all your brains can handle. Signs. Like in that Ace of Base song.

Go get yourself another baby, since that's all you want.

[shotgunonmyback.livejournal.com]

Hey now, That ain't half a bad idea...Oh great - I'm taking advice from a lime flavoured dairy product. -.-"

[mistershake.livejournal.com]

It's not my advice, Wile E. It's the advice of Finnish pop sensation Linn Berggren.

Give credit where credit's due, ya big chinned coyote.

[shotgunonmyback.livejournal.com]

Name's Ash, Housewares Call me a Coyote again and I'll make sure you won't get to star in the sequel...Got it?

[mistershake.livejournal.com]

Why would I wanna star in Coyote Ugly 2?

[shotgunonmyback.livejournal.com]

Forget it, you're too stupid to understand, you're a cup you don't even have a brain...goddamn you're makin me thirsty Sippy Cup.

[mistershake.livejournal.com]

Oh, I'm too stupid? You're the one basing his lifestyle on the song lyrics of a Europop phenomenon. As catchy as their music is, that doesn't mean you have to emulate them. You should never give in to peer pressure. Except when it makes you look cool.

That's why I smoke seven packs a day. Because I have friends, and you don't.

[shotgunonmyback.livejournal.com]

Hey Ever been to Michigan? You really should...especcially this quaint little forrest with this quaint little cabin the woods, Perhaps you AND your friends should go there...and make sure you play with the tape recorder.

[mistershake.livejournal.com]

I don't use tape recorders. Analog pisses me off. We're not living in the dark ages anymore. This is the digital age.

Gimme some decent recording equipment and I'll head out into your forest and wail out some tunes. Then I'll charge you with the task of promoting my new album.

I'll call it... Michigan Coyote Murder Blues. With special guests Ace of Base.

[shotgunonmyback.livejournal.com]

D:

[maraich]

You're insane, aren't you?

[mistershake.livejournal.com]

They said the same thing about Galileo. And then he went on to invent the sponge. Then they butchered his vision with a popular Nickelodeon cartoon. So you might wanna think about that the next time you're absorbing liquids through porous rubber. Think about what Galileo did for you.

There's a fine line between crazy and genius. And I walk that line every day, baby. I walk it hard.

Starring Joaquin Phoenix as Galileo.

[maraich]

Yup, insane.

[mistershake.livejournal.com]

Yes, you probably recognise me from my movie. After all, I single-handedly reshaped the landscape of cinema. That sort of thing'll stick with you.

So are you a fan of the movie?

[overalls-laptop.livejournal.com]

... Erm Welcome back to the community? Its nice to meet you, I'm Coco..

[mistershake.livejournal.com]

You look like that dead animal I scraped off the front of Carl's car when he wasn't looking. Then I put it in the microwave and served it to Meatwad. That's what he deserves for not knowing the difference between roadkill and lunch.

Maybe it was one of your relatives. All I know is, he was garnished with a side-helping of melted plastic. The odour was enough to make your eyeballs burn from the inside. Fortunately, I had a gasmask on. Meatwad... He wasn't so lucky.

[piaggio.livejournal.com]

Cup.

[mistershake.livejournal.com]

Your powers of deduction are uncanny. I mean it. Nothing gets past you.

Except the fact that you're a loser. But hey, we're all in denial about something, right?

[candyismyotp.livejournal.com]

I'm sure you've got something that rhymes with "accolades".

[mistershake.livejournal.com]

Yeah, and you've got something that rhymes with jackass!

[assistant-god.livejournal.com]

What the hell are you?

[mistershake.livejournal.com]

A movie star. That's what.

That means you don't ask me the questions. I come to you first and tell you what to ask me, which lets me prepare my answers in advance. To make myself sound even smarter than I already am. That's how it works in Hollywood.

Maybe you'll find out one day, when you have a bath sometime. I'm sure you have a bright future in store. As an extra.

Celebrity eludes you, and you know it.

[assistant-god.livejournal.com]

I thought that was how it works in politics.

Actually, I'm probably the most famous dead teenager in my world at the moment.

[menial-tasks.livejournal.com]

Actually, I heard the movie didn't all that well.

[mistershake.livejournal.com]

What's that? I think I just heard the sound of an internet nerd making a bogus presumption!

What, you think you're some kinda big shot analyst? Like to pretend you're good with numbers, ya friggin' geek? Well if you'd stop jerkin' off to Joss Whedon's latest creation, maybe you'd find the time to notice that my movie is a smash hit! A sensation!

Just because we were overshadowed by the release of that Bratz movie, it doesn't mean we didn't succeed. You can't compete with that kind of talent. They're Bratz. They have their own built-in fanbase. With Brat-titude, no less.

You're one of those Bratz people, aren't you! You've come to rub it in! Well I won't have it!

[menial-tasks.livejournal.com]

Who's Joss Whedon?

Actually, I think the Bratz movie did worse than yours. Or at least, the reviews were worse. Still, you couldn't call either of them a hit.

[mistershake.livejournal.com]

You're familiar with Bratz, yet you're not familiar with Mr. Joss "I Wrote Alien Resurrection Yet People Worship Me" Whedon? What kinda ass backwards nerd group are you part of, nerd?

And my movie did just fine. If you're gonna keep claimin' otherwise, I'd like to see some sources. Sources that don't come from your buddy Harry Knowles. Because that guy has an agenda. I don't know what it is... But I will discover it. Deep within the rolls of flab that encircle him like planets orbiting the sun.

[menial-tasks.livejournal.com]

How can you miss the agressive marketing Bratz uses? I've only seen Alien and Aliens. No I'm not familiar with Whedon. I'm part of the S.O.S. Brigade at least I was. We're like nothing you've ever seen.

"Just fine" is different from a hit. I know it did just fine. Who would invest in a movie that couldn't at least break even?