dramadramaduck | (no subject)

(no subject)

Yeah, yeah, the change in the community is really fascinating and I'm sure there's some explanation which I don't currently understand.

When someone figures it out, let me know.

Now that I have addressed that, I want to talk about something that's actually interesting.

Many of us may be aware that there are a lot of trolls on the community, and that apparently they are the last of their race. I'd like to see what we, as a community, can do about that.

They're kids. And they need our help.

So, scientists from advanced civilizations, come pool your cloning technologies here. I'm gathering DNA samples, so let's see what we can do with them.

I'm thinking test tube troll maggots and hopefully figuring out how to clone a new Queen Bee (they call them mother grubs) for these kids. Who's with me?

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

The ones I invited don't drug themselves. I checked.

We'll take better precautions this time.

Oh yeah, I'm sure that went well. "Hey kid, you do drugs? No? Well okay why not come over to my house, we'll hang out in my basement. Don't tell anyone~"

Still no. Find another place to drag them if you're so dead-set on making more of those hideous little monsters.

You aren't interested in helping me with this noble endeavor, William?

No! Why would I be? The last time we experimented on one of these things, we nearly died!

Unless you got like, the runt of the litter coming over, Sherry and I are going to get ice cream and hope you don't die in the mean time. Actually wait, should I call a life insurance company? Get a will written up real quick? I just want to make sure I don't end up homeless.

Yeah, but they're not all the same, and this one's cute. Besides, she's cooperating.

Huh, a will. Maybe I should look into that. Except then I'd probably find myself mysteriously poisoned.

Cooperating? Really? Did you tell her exactly what you're going to do?

Pfft, poisoned. The police would catch on to that in a heartbeat. I'm a virologist, and nothing makes something look like an accident more than a completely natural death by a flesh eating disease.

I told her I'd be taking DNA samples. I don't plan on dissecting her this time, so I doubt she'll have a reason to flip out.

Oops, sorry. Good point.

Wait, you didn't actually use that exact phrasing, did you?

I think I did.

[Stein might hear the laughter echoing through the halls of the house]

You know that's like their version of "Wanna fuck?" right? You propositioned an alien girl for sex. Way to go, Franken. You are living the dream.

I, wait. What? Is that why I'm getting so much flak from these kids?

I'd say that's a fair assumption to make.

A+ this is going to be funny to watch. It's a good thing they don't have parents otherwise you'd be getting a call from troll Chris Hansen.

To be honest, I've never been scared of parents, even when someone had one.

Shhhh, don't say that too loud! You might summon my mother from the depths of hell to be the worst mother-in-law you've ever dreamed of having.

Dear god, no. She'd be worse than you for nagging, I'm sure of it.

So you really are going to help, right?

Ugh, fine. What do you need from me? You know, past bail money and a statement in court that you didn't know she was 13.

I could use your experience with genetic manipulation and viruses, actually. We're probably going to need to figure out how to get a whole lot of troll stem cells to start dividing.

Well, you've come to the right guy. If their DNA is anything like the leeches I've worked with before, I can definitely do that without much effort.

I don't know if they're like leeches, but it's possible. We've got a long road ahead of us, William, filled with potential discovery!

And potential child abuse charges. Ah, just like old times...

If you're betting they're more like ants, I know a certain bitchy idiot who doesn't need her ant behavior notes anymore. Just let me know with some advance warning so I can get a world hop and warm enough clothes for a trip around the antarctic. And before you ask, yes, Umbrella really gave someone money and a base in Antarctica to research fucking ants. I didn't understand either.

Exactly!

Wait, really? I'm coming with you.

Yes, really. Remember that girl I complain about occasionally? The one they hired at the age of ten? Her research was about ants. And thanks for the offer; I'm really not too sure if there are still armed guards running around there so it's probably best that I bring my body guard.

As if I'd let you go alone even if it were perfectly safe. You'd probably find some way to get hurt, even if there weren't guards or zombies around.

Excuse you, I am an adult and perfectly capable of taking care of myself. I did it for 36 years without you, I can probably survive another few hours without your assistance.

...Besides, uh. Remember what happened the last time you went to one of the poles? Maybe it really is best that you just stay put and let me deal with this one.

I'm sorry, I seem to remember something about you getting eyes in your arm and dying. Which part involved you taking care of yourself perfectly well?

Sorry, I don't recall.