I am going to die of boredom if this keeps up!

[Here is a little pale man sitting on a ledge of rock. Only a few smudges of light make it through the clouds to show off the scarlet paint on his face and fill the hollow cheek bones.]

[He picks up a rock and throws it into the dark abyss below.]

How am I supposed to have any fun if nothing's on the line? A video game is nothing like real life. Game over; new game; continue. How can anything be fun if no precious lives are on the line? Now that I know the true nature of things, what's the point in continuing this farce of final boss?

[Kefka hops to his feet and starts yelling at the abyss.]

If they don't come back, I'll - I'll play loud music in the middle of the night. I'll kill someone and dance on his grave. I won't mix patterns for a week! I won't wear any bright colors! I'll destroy this universe and everyone in it, then hop to another and blast Never Going to Give You Up from the loudspeakers for hours at a time! So help me, if the ducks don't come back, I'll -

[A worldhop device falls out of the sky and whaps Kefka on the head. Kefka squawks, almost wobbles off the ledge, then tumbles onto his butt, off the ledge and onto the rocky ground.]

Yeouuuuch! What nasty creature dares hit Kefka on the head?!

[He looks up into the camera, then grins.] Ducks! You're back! 

[Behold: a bed in a stone-hewn bedroom. A bed full of sheets and rather more quilts than are probably necessary. There is movement under the quilts like the beginnings of an earthquake. Something rolls out from under the quilts and onto the floor, something small and blonde and wearing fluffy red pajamas.]

I'm awake, Sarge...ugh. I'm up, I'm up. [Kefka sits up and rubs his face. He looks tired, and his hair is long and tangled.] How am I expected to get up when there's nothing to get up for? At least being in the military meant I had a proper schedule.

[Then he notices the floating camera.] Hey! Community book! [He jumps up and tackles it, sending the screen blurring red and grey and blonde. When it recovers, Kefka's set the book up so it can face him on a white vanity; the table is covered with cosmetics.]

[Kefka picks up a brush and waves it at the camera.] You have to stay here so I can talk to you, you naughty page-flapping phase-clapper! [He pauses, then adds matter of factly:] My connection to the community is alive, so I have to make sure it's paying attention to what I say or it'll fly off and ditch me for a few months like a very very bad flying book monster. It looks like a lot of you are new, so let's get some introductions going!

I am Sir Kefka Palazzo, formerly of the Gestahlian Empire, currently god of the world of Woolsey. [He bows.] I'm bored out of my mind because it turns out 90% of being a god is doing upkeep to make sure the world is running properly, make sure the monsters are fed, blah blah blah I need something to do. If you need a fighting companion, new armor or weapons, healing supplies, miracle cures, et cetera, I can provide it for a reasonable price! Or we can talk! Talking is very reasonable and I want to know all of you new people. [Beat.] Talk to me now. Do it.

Are you all back to your normal level of inanity and lunacy, or do we have to put up with this for another week?


((Who has one thumb, speaks limited Spanish, and is not admitting to being affected by a virus that whole time? This guy.))

[Kefka's sitting on his throne and staring at a photograph. A good eye can catch that it's one of Scrooge. Surrounding Kefka are three statues of grotesque monsters, which all appear to be watching him.]

[Kefka sings:]

If there's a prize for rotten judgement
I guess I've already won that
No friends are worth the aggravation! [He crumples the photo.]
That's ancient history, been there, done that!

[The three statues groan to life, three voices replying:]

Who do you think you're kidding?
They've become a haven to you
Try to keep it hidden
Kefka, we can see right through you
Man, you can't conceal it
We know how you feel and
What you're thinking of

( In which Kefka and some goddess statuary argue about if he's being evil enough.  )

[With a crack, he shoves the three statues onto their backs with a gust of wind. There's a sudden silence. Kefka glares down at them over the back of his throne, breathing hard, until he's sure they've shut up. Then, he collapses back onto his chair and mutters:]

Well, at least out loud, I won't say I've gone soft. [Beat.] Damn, it must be a problem if the statues are popping up to tell me I'm a wimp. And here I am out of puppies to kick.

[Battler seems rather bashful for once, and of course he doesn't have that cape of his either. Why would he? Not like there's anything like a game board or a game run by a witch, none of that even exists.

The man smiles nervously, and then just shrugs a little.]

Not like I've ever done this before.... running away from your entire family? It's weird, but I've been apart from the Ushiromiya name for six years now. Got some sense talked into me though so.... alright, I'll just come right out and say it, yeah, no need to hold back.

Roze, Ange? I'm home. I missed you two, my two sisters.

[of course he has fake memories of always having an older sister as well.]

But the real question here, Roze nee-chan, has that chest gotten bigger over the years? I really want to examine that~!

[same as ever.]

[She audio comes first and you can hear Mai mumbling.]

Alright...this should work. Maybe if I just...

[And suddenly there is video to accompany the audio. Both Mai and Masamori are seated together in a setting unusual for them. They are dressed in outfits similar to this and this. Mai smiles brightly and sits back.]

There it goes! [She turns and looks at Masamori.] Shall we begin?

Let's! [Masamori says with a smile at Mai, before he turns to the camera with a friendly but professional air.]

Hello, community! We'd like to ask you a few questions today.

First- [He settles back a bit.] were you aware of other worlds before joining the community?

Second- are there any worlds that you know are a different version of yours?

And if there are, what made them different?

[He looks back to Mai.] Was there anything else?

[Mai nods and addresses the camera.] Third, and last- have you traveled to one of these other worlds? If so, how?

[She turns to Masamori again.] I think that should be enough for now.

[They both smile politely at the camera.] Thank you for your time.

[ooc: Italics is Masamori, regular text is Mai.]

[This is probably the most menacingly anyone has brandished a spatula and a bottle of hot sauce while wearing an apron on this community.]

Community! How do I get a dingus to eat his dinners properly?

[[family virus with Retasu and Crocker!]]

Don't press that button!

[Sena stands in front of the camera, blinking in surprise, before that voice causes her to jump away.]

Oh... I wasn't supposed to? I'm sorry...[In contrast to her usual voice, it's quiet, soft, meek. Even her clothes are different. Though she never wore particularly revealing ones, aside from a certain bikini, now she's covered head to toe.]

I don't want them to see you yet. I... I don't even know who you are. [Strangely enough, the voice that's coming from off screen sounds exactly like Sena, too. When she finally walks on screen, it is indeed her, dressed in the familiar uniform.]

It's on!

[Scrambling, she tries to turn it off, head hung down in despair when she fails.]

I don't know what to do...

[occ: Sena has a doppleganger. Normal text is Sena, blue is NotSena]

A thought exercise for you, community.

There is a cage containing one person in it and a cage containing ten people in it. If you open one of the cages, the other will immediately drop into lava below, killing everyone inside. You must open one cage or the other.

What do you do if:

1. You know nothing about the people in either cage?

2. You know that the ten people in the second cage are all criminals, and nothing about the person in the other cage?

3. You know that the person in the first cage is a saint who has never harmed a single fly, and know nothing about the people in the other cage?

4. You know that the person in the first cage is a saint and that the second cage contains all criminals?

5. You know only that one person in the second cage is a murderer, and nothing about all the other people?

Thank you for your time.

[Kefka isn't nearly as ridiculously dressed as usual today; he's in green, lots of green, green everywhere, from the feathers in his hair and his eye shadow to his jacket and nail polish. His make up is plainer than usual as well, giving his skin a sallow look.]

Does anyone know what kinds of foods Retasu likes? How about favorite color? Is it safe to assume green?

[ the Doctor sounds a bit... well, shell-shocked, today. and slightly out of breath, as if he'd just run into his ship from the outside and got her into the air before immediately switching the mike on. ]

Right. Well, all things considered, that could've gone worse.

[ raising his voice a little, he announces: ] Bit of advice for you all: if you ever happen to be caught in a tight spot with an Oruplasmian, whatever you do, don't let her try and solve the problem by swallowing it. You think you've seen bad indigestion in whatever your species is, let me tell you, you haven't seen anything until you've had to tangle with the Oruplasmian digestive system.

[ beat. ]

Oh, and while I'm here, has anyone else noticed that Kirei Kotomine and Goldilocks's world has been locked off? Someone might want to look into that, just a thought. Any other time the community's restricted access to a world, it's never been good.

[ another beat, a longer one, this time. ]

Oh, and all those dealing with a virused friend over the next few days, remember to stay in touch. The personality switching ones can be a bit on the hairy side.

Right, I think that's pretty much everything. Ta much!

If I may ask, what are the methods of healing like in your world?

Everybody's got viruses and anon posts and stuff and that's great BUT MY ARM'S STILL BROKE FROM THAT STUPID SKI TRIP

I'M BORED

Dear Community,

I need your help.

I happen to be part of a friendly neighborhood crime syndicate. My sister is a cop and she is dating. However, thanks to my criminal connections, I know the man she is interested in happens to have his dead girlfriend taxidermied in his basement. (No, I don't know how she died. I'm pretty sure the fact that she's taxidermied in his basement is warning sign enough.)

How do I go about getting her to realize that he is not a good match for her without getting stabbed?

From, Worried Brother

[[All tags will be anon unless otherwise stated!]]

How do you make somebody happy when they're convinced that they don't deserve it, probably because there are some people out there who want them to believe that?

((Please note that the video contains rapidly flashing colours and also blood! If you choose to watch it anyway, please pause at 2:11. If you don't, then do have some accompanying music. :u))

( The events of the video! )

( Unexpected guests! )

[ The community is treated to a spectacular, hammy, battle of epic proportions. It's a final boss vs final boss fight. Magic and flares and danmaku make impossible patterns in the night sky all the way up to the stratosphere; the resulting image is a wash of vibrant colors on a black canvas. ] Kefka....! [ Suddenly from no where- klaxons blare twice and radioactive caution symbols appear. In contrast to how she so passionately stated his name, she wickedly grins now as she points upwards. ] Prepare yourself.

[ After a moment of gathering energy, she makes a fist, and a chain of explosions occur. A sun explodes into existence above her, then another one, then another one, and she wields them effortlessly. These are her weapons, and she mercilessly throws them towards him. ]

[Kefka, six-winged and panting, dodges one sun, then gestures, casts, shoots a line of lightning at her. She attack connects but does little damage, and she laughs. He dodges the second sun and volleyballs a fireball at her, which she waves away. He then gets hit in the face with the third sun and does a backflip onto his face in midair. He shoves himself up; blood runs down his nose and over his mouth.]

That's it! The end comes near!

[Kefka starts chanting and gesturing; his eyes glow as he prepares this attack. Okuu prepares her own sun attack and - ]

Forsaken!

[Bronze energy bursts from him in a sphere; it knocks Okuu flat on her ass, which gives Kefka time to fly over and whap her upside the head.]

What are you doing?!

[ Needless to say she had not been expecting to be hit so easily and so suddenly. The attack leaves her stunned, but the hit to the head seems to literally knock sense into her. ] Unyu... I was... [ She rubs her head, glaring a him, the suns that still burn, and then him again. She seems to be putting two and two together. ] Attacking you! I was attacking you! And then I was going to eat you afterwards....'cause someone told me you are a god.

Just because I'm a god doesn't mean I'm delicious. I barely have any meat on me anyway. [He lifts his shirt; his ribs are showing. Then he shoves it back down.] Who's the jerk going around spreading rumors that I'm the Thanksgiving turducken?

[ A thanksgiving what? Utsuho scratches her head, apparently thinking. ] Mm, that one guy who talks in white...

Him again?! That's it! I'm tired of his chocobo crap! Let's feed him to you instead! [Kefka offers his hand to Utsuho so she can get up and they can go beat Doc Scratch together.

On Utsuho's end, her eyes light up at that. It sounds like a perfect idea! She takes the hand, standing up. A cannon begins to form around her arm. ] I don't know if fried cue-ball head tastes good or not, but we'll find out!

[Kefka and Kasumi face each other; Jecht stands by her side, arms crossed, glowering at the magician. Kasumi offers a hesitant smile.] It is good to see you well.

I didn't freak you out too badly during that last virus, did I? Also, I got lunch for everyone. [Kefka gesture to a food-covered table.]

How very kind, ah... [Kasumi covers her mouth with her hand, a gesture of uncertainty.] Not this virus, but the one before it. To think you'd try to destroy the world...

I don't see how it's that surprising, given what happened.

Who the fuck blows up the world because of anything?!

[Kefka opens his mouth respond but is interrupted by the arrival of a humanoid monster. The living skeleton in a blue robe offers them a tray of delicious fruit. Kefka gestures at it:]

Want some apple?

[Kefka takes a piece. Kasumi thanks the tray-bearer and follows his example. Time seems to slow as they eat it in unison. Suddenly, golden smoke covers the area!]

What the fuck?!

Good grief! [The voice is different, if familiar. A child's voice exclaims:] Oh my!

...shit.

[The smoke clears to show a baffled Cefca and a little Asian girl tugging at too-large clothing. Jecht moves to scoop her up just as the feed cuts out.]

((ooc: Kasumi will be replying from mistlyohkodomo.

Welcome, friends! I knew you'd be preparing to fight me, so I wrote you a speech!

[Here's Kefka, but something's weird about him. Maybe it's how his outfit is twice as complicated as usual, with extra ruffles and puffs of cloth and all that everywhere. Maybe it's how he's got his wings out, too; that's weird. His throne room seems to be floating in a sea of stars and night.]

I've acquired the ultimate power! You're all nothing but fleas to me now. You should embrace your destruction: it is the fate of all things. No sailor scout shenanigans can change that.

Any questions?